but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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