new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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