Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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