How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
