Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
