that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
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