You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
