my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
