I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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