I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
