drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
