You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
