I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
