I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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