I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
