He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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