Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
