i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
