dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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