as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
