There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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