i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
