you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
