If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
