When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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