There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
