4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
