90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
