Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
