Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
