cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
