i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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