What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
