i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
