I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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