you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
