i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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