So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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