Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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