dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
