I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
