Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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