I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
