A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
