My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
