i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
