Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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