You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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