I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
