you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
